Stress & Self Esteem Part 2: Rebutting the Inner Critic
Copyright © 2005 Tanja Gardner, Optimum Life Ltd.
In Part 1 of this series, we talked about the relationship between stress and self esteem, and introduced the University of Texas’ model of improving self-esteem. This week’s article explores the first step in that model – rebutting the Inner Critic. While this might sound simple, it can be one of the hardest steps – mainly because so many of us are completely unaware that we even *have* an Inner Critic. So we’re going to break this step down into three further stages
- becoming aware of your Critic
- evaluating what it tells you, and
- rebutting it if necessary
Becoming Aware of your Inner Critic
Most of us today have heard of the concept of an Inner Critic – that voice inside that sees everything we do (and everything people do to us) in the worst possible light. It’s the voice that constantly says ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘it won’t work’ or ‘that’s just stupid’. And the first step towards rebutting it is learning to hear what it’s actually saying to you.
Most of us don’t realise just how busy it can get inside our heads. Don’t believe me? Try sitting for two minutes without thinking of anything (set a timer – you’ll find it’s a *long* time) and watch what goes through your mind until it goes off. How long was it before you found yourself wondering how long you’d been going? What was your inner voice saying about your ability to do this ‘simple’ task – or about the task itself? (OK, I confess, it wasn’t a simple task at all! People practice meditation for years to be able to do this. But if I’d asked you to do something *easy*, your Critic would have been much quieter. If you managed even a few seconds without thinking of anything, pat yourself on the back!)
Once you have a feel for the sound of your inner voice, start consciously noticing it at various times over the day. Set a timer to go off every 15 minutes, and see what your thought was in the moment before it went off. Try to keep a mental log (or write it down if you’re willing) of how often your inner talk was positive, and how often it was negative. Most of us, when we first do this exercise, are shocked to find we’ve been blithely accepting comments from our Critic that we wouldn’t accept from our worst enemies.
Evaluating the Inner Critic's Comments
An interesting feature of many well-meaning self-help teachers is their apparent assumption that if our inner talk is at all negative, it has to be wrong. The truth is that criticism *can* be helpful – if it’s delivered in the right way, for the right reasons. And that’s just as true for Inner Critics as for outer. Evaluating the criticism takes courage, because it might require us to change something if it proves to have some foundation.
Imagine talking to someone you’ve just met, and noticing them yawning and repeatedly checking their watch. If your Inner Critic suddenly says ‘Good grief, they’re bored, I’m talking too much!’ it might well be right – at least in part. If so, it might well be time to allow the other person to speak. Other times, of course, it’s completely wrong – perhaps the person is just tired. So how do we tell the difference?
One way of establishing a criticism’s validity is to imagine a really good friend had just done whatever your Critic commented on. Imagine yourself saying to your friend whatever what your Critic just said to you, in the same tone of voice. Would it be a fair comment? If not, why should it be any fairer when you aim it at yourself?
If you’re still unsure, here are some other indicators that a criticism is unfair and needs rebutting (if you don’t want it to start gnawing away at your self esteem):
Absolute statements: ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘forever’ or ‘constantly’
Statements describing you, rather than your actions: ‘I’m lazy’, rather than ‘I slept through my alarm’
Statements that ignore positive evidence: ‘They’re just being nice’ when you’re complimented
Anything you hear in a very negative tone: ‘You forgot to do the dishes’ in a neutral tone sounds different to the same words in a disgusted tone
Rebutting the Critic
So if you’ve established the unfairness of a criticism, what can you do about it? Sometimes, just realising it’s unfair is enough. Other times, however, even if we understand something intellectually, our hearts and emotions don’t seem to get the message.
At such times, it can help to imagine the Inner Critic as a person outside of yourself that you can talk back to. Imagine yourself talking with it as though you were talking to a friend (you’re already listening to them – you just need imagine they’re listening in return!) Now you need to decide what you want to say:
If your Critic uses absolute statements, look for evidence of times the statement wasn’t true – the more recent, the better. For example, if your Critic says, ‘you’re always saying no to your friends,’ look for the most recent time you said yes
If your Critic attacks you personally, ask it to be more specific, then argue as above. For example, if it says ‘You’re lazy’, ask it for examples of why, then counter with examples of times when you haven’t been
If your Critic ignores positive evidence, firmly remind it that evidence in your favour is just as valid as evidence against.
And finally, if you hear the criticism in a very negative tone, try saying ‘So what you’re saying is…’ and repeat the Critic’s words in a totally neutral tone. For example, ‘So what you’re saying is that I forgot wash the dishes’. Say it out loud if you have to, and listen to yourself. Does it *really* sound so bad when you say it neutrally?
And if all of this isn’t enough? Some Inner Critics are tougher than others, and a single article won’t contain enough ammunition. Don’t worry if you find you need a little help! You can find more resources for building your self-esteem here. Alternatively, if you’d like to try working with someone else, please don’t hesitate to contact me to discuss how I could help.
In Part 3, we’ll explore the second step in building self-esteem – nurturing yourself. Until then, I hope you try the experiments, and perhaps as you do, stay aware of their effects on your stress levels. If you notice a change, please let me know – I’d love to know I’ve made a difference! Meanwhile, may every day bring you closer to your optimum life.
Additional Resources
About the Author
© 2005 Tanja Gardner, Optimum Life Ltd. Optimum Life Ltd is dedicated to providing balanced fitness and stress management services that help clients all over the world achieve their optimum lives. To read more articles like this one, please visit our site, or send an e-mail to optimumlife@xtra.co.nz with 'Subscribe to Optimum Stress News' in the subject line.
Continue to Part 3.
Return to the Exercise & Nutrition page.
